Okay, obviously this is a known issue, but I've yet to find
an actual solution anywhere on the net. Everyone who
got it working did so by accident.
The moment the pen gets within range of the tablet, it
immediately zooms in and always right-clicks no matter
what.
Turning off "Zoom with mouse wheel" in the Preferences
only serves to stop the zooming problem. The pen still
only does a right-click.
All drivers and software are up to date, including the patch
for Photoshop. The pen and tablet work flawlessly in all
other programs, including Paint, Sketchbook Pro, and
CorelDRAW.
EDIT: Exact same problem in Flash Pro CS6. It works
fine everywhere except CS6 products.
EDIT #2 and ANSWER:
Took a lot of messing around with it, but the problem
turned out to be the drivers from windows update. When
it wants to look for drivers DO NOT use windows update.
The Wacom 5.3.2.1 update works wonderfully, as long
as windows doesn't go online to find them.